Ufond Blog
Olga Valyaeva’s beautiful text about the magical power of the words that a mother says to her child. When we were just starting to fight for our eldest son, a psychiatrist - in addition to being very strange and not useful - gave us a great gift. He told about an experiment that was conducted somewhere in England (I could be wrong, because everything is from his words).
Mothers of sick children performed a simple ritual every night. After the child fell asleep, they waited for the active phase of sleep - it’s about fifteen minutes. And then they said simple words to the child:
“I love you. I’m proud of you. I’m so glad you’re my son. You are the best son for me. "
The text is about the same - the same for everyone.
And they compared these children with others - with similar diagnoses, but their mothers did not whisper anything to them at night. Babies who received their mother’s nightly confessions of love recovered much faster. Here is such maternal magic.
We started implementing it almost immediately. Much easier - unlike most therapies, it’s free, always at hand. First, I said what was written in the script. Then he began to improvise. It’s been five years, and I’m still whispering different words to my boys. To each of them and almost every night.
It is difficult for me to talk about concrete results, but Dani no longer has autism. And I’m sure my whispers played a part. But still there is something that it gives me and the children. This is important to understand - magic works both ways! Both mother and child receive something very important. Everyone has their own "Something important".
What does it give?
A sense of intimacy with each of the children.
This is an incomparable feeling. No matter how old they are, at the time of sleep they look like little angels. During the day it is not so easy to hug or hold them in your arms - they already have so much to do! And at night I hug each of them, talking about what’s important to both of us. And I feel our closeness growing and strengthening.
Individual time for everyone.
In the flow of days, I can’t always give everyone personal time. Most often we are all together, one team. We play, communicate, eat - all together. But at this moment, each of them is special. Because I say different words to everyone. Based on what you now want and need to say to this baby.
I can say something important that may not be heard during the day. Days are different. Sometimes, because of the abundance of information or sweets, babies may not behave very well, and this complicates our communication. But when I whisper in their ears at night about how much I love them, it’s all in the past. Quarrels, misunderstandings, resentments.
The child feels love. I once read that a child should say a phrase like this more often: "And you know that if we could choose, we would choose you out of all the children in the world." When I first said this to Matthew, he was delighted and amazed at the same time. He walked and repeated, "What, really me ???". So I realized that it is very important for children to feel that they are special, that they are important and needed, just the way they are. Now this phrase along with "Did I tell you today that I love you?" firmly established in our lives. Moreover, Matthew - since he is the most talkative so far - always says in response that he would choose us as parents and would definitely choose his brothers.
I keep saying important phrases. In placement therapy, there is such a thing as "resolving phrases" - phrases that we say during the placement, and they change people’s worldview, heal their souls. The words are usually simple - about love, acceptance, regret. So I found that if you say important phrases to your children at night, many problems are solved by yourself. For example, with hierarchy in the family. What phrases are there and what I usually say:
- "I am your mother, and you are my son" - this phrase helps if you do not feel a connection with the child, namely the emotional connection. And also if you have a broken hierarchy - and it is unclear who is whose mother.
- "I’m big and you’re small" is again a phrase about hierarchy. In addition, it helps to grow up in relationships with children. Children are very relaxed when their mother finally becomes an adult.
- "I give, and you take" is again about hierarchy, about the flow of energy. It helps if the mother tries to "pump out" energy from the children.
- "You are the best son for me." Here you can add another order of the child. After all, I have, for example, not one son - but three. And each of them is good in its place.
- "You are exactly the son we need." It helps the child feel his value, his "goodness". I especially recommend the phrase to those who constantly compare their child with others - not in his favor.
- "You don’t have to do anything for me, I love you for what you are." Many will be outraged. But the phrase is not that you can not wash the dishes. Rather, that for my sake you should not bear the ancestral dynamics.
- "I’m so glad you are." Especially helps those for whom the child was not very desirable.
- "I’m glad you’re a boy." If, for example, you wanted a girl and could not accept your child’s gender for a long time.
- "Dad and I love you very much, you are our son" is the key word here. It helps if you have a tendency for children to drag, pull and share.
- "You’re just like your dad," "Your dad is the best dad for you," "I allow you to love your dad and take from him" - if you have a conflict with the child’s father, if he does not raise a child or you are in a quarrel. But even for those parents who are together, the phrase is useful. If the mother does not accept the father and does not allow him to be actively involved in the child.
- "I’m so sorry." The phrase is appropriate if during the day you quarreled, there was no understanding, punished, broke down. Don’t beg for forgiveness - it breaks the hierarchy. But to apologize - and say that you are very sorry, it’s worth it.
- "I’m proud of you." It is especially helpful when you try to make a child who he is not - and who he may never be. It also helps for those children who are very different from others - special, for example.
- "I love you." Three magic words from everything. If this feeling is embedded in them. That is, if you do not say some syllables and letters automatically, but exhale a confession of love with all your heart.
How to choose a phrase?
You can and should try different ones. And you will understand what is important and necessary for you and your child now. For example, I notice that after that phrase, which is very important for me today, there is - in itself - a deep exhalation. Something is relaxing inside.
Same with the baby. When it is important for him to hear something now, for example, that you are proud of him, he exhales and relaxes. Just watch. Sometimes such signs are not immediately noticeable, sometimes they are not so bright. But the criterion is usually one - some relaxation.
You need to tune in to say magic phrases. You can’t, as I said, do it mechanically. It is important to approach the process with the soul, not on the run. Like, now I’ll repeat on paper for three minutes, and everything will be fine. The most difficult work happens inside. For words to be magical, they need to be charged with this magic. And the charge our children need is in our hearts.
Sometimes, in order to say such simple words, you must first say something similar to your parents (in your heart). I know girls who cried over a sleeping baby during the first sessions. From his own childhood pain. But magic is also magic because it heals. Including our mother’s hearts.
The session should not be long. It’s only three or five minutes. But a very emotionally charged five minutes. It is important to do this regularly and little by little. In small steps. Instead of trying to whisper three hours of love once a week. We eat several times a day, not just on Sundays, right?
And besides, do not forget to say such phrases in the afternoon, in between, for no reason. Hug them just like that if they passed by. Kiss the back of the head, which sits next to you. This is something that children will remember for a lifetime. And most likely, this is what they will remember.
The power of the mother’s words cannot be underestimated. To acknowledge this, remember the words of your mother that you remember now, thirty or forty years later. And which ones were important to you.
This magic is always available to you, it doesn’t cost money, you don’t need anything special for it. Just wait until your baby snorts sweetly - and whisper something important in his ear.
"I love you. I’m proud of you. You are the best son for me and Dad. ”
What could be simpler and more magical than such words spoken by the heart of a loving mother?
Author Olga Valyaeva Source: Collector of Stars Ufond